I love you once

[I love you once]

I loved you once, nor can this heart be quiet;
For it would seem that love still lingers there;
But do not you be further troubled by it;
I would in no wise hurt you, oh, my dear.

I loved you without hope, a mute offender;
What jealous pangs, what shy despairs I knew!
A love as deep as this, as true, as tender,
God grant another may yet offer you.

Alexander Pushkin

torrent mania

I've gone mad over them, torrents.. Damn, I've done nothing but left my internet on whole day just to finish up torrents.. By the way, I've started watching a lot lot more of animes these days, and I have no idea how on earth am I going to pass my mid year in this rate.. Well, I've started to watch Bleach and DNAngel recently.. and I'm planning to re-watch Boys Be, and after mid year, try school rumble.. haha.. ^_^

Till then, i'm kinda tired and sleepy today so today's entry ends here.. nitez..

Tears with a smile..

I've finished watching the entire series of love hina twice! ^_^ hahaha... including the 3 Ova love hina again i downloaded.. (17 hours download, 1.07 Gig) whew.. =p How I am so gonna die for mid year if this goes on.. Well, I did do some homework and a bit of revision today so I'm not feeling that bad.. anyway, I think i'll go for duty tmr.. if that is possible ler.. cuz I wanna study in the library every day from now on.. and also the few minutes between subjects break.. I've heard those times are quite good to study.. from who? dun ask.. =p

Neway.. I'm kinda still doing my last bit of rumusan but suddenly decided to blog out of the blues.. I've left the internet running for about 10 hours today.. so gonna die when the internet bill comes.. My streamyx is the limited kind, but I'm wanna ask my dad to change the package to the unlimited kind so I dun have to worry.. who's gonna pay the other 22 bucks? (current package is 44 per month, and the unlimited one is 66).. I guess I don't mind paying.. but getting my dad to agree is the tough part..

Anyway.. I've been thinking long.. I've decided to let her go.. I've fret enough over her.. and by the way.. though I've never mention her name here other than sylvan.. everyone seemed to know already.. and those who don't.. u dun need to noe.. Doesn't really matter to me anymore, if everyone were to insult, bother me.. I reli dun wanna care.. I don't hate her or anythin.. but I just feel that its time I've gotten over it.. Been feeling a bit childish lately anyway.. I've come to realize..

In any case, I doubt I'll be seeing Mable again( a fellow marchpast form 1 girl who's seriously has nothing better to do than to kacau ppl..) I bid farewell.. =p
You better not jump to conclusions.. ^_^

Again, I congratulate all fellow marchpast members.. I probably won't see most of you again as well.. except for the seniors lah.. haha.. tug of war members.. Though we got third, those of you not in form 5, do ur best again next year.. =) Other blue house members.. I'm not in authority of anyone to give a speech.. and don't intend to.. I congratulate all fellow blue house members for a good fight we've all put up this year..

I think I better stop here.. before all of you think I've gone nutz.. =p I dunno but I feel like something heavy has been lifted off my shoulders.. I feel like I've taken another step in life.. The next would of course be my studies.. but I'm glad I've taken this one before that one.. I may not be really happy because I could never hold her again.. but.. I'm smiling.. Because I made a decision I never decided to.. Take care gurl.. =)

history..

Not all history are boring facts about something or someone in this world u probably couldn't care less about.. Like, your own history.. a history about something of your own initiative.. in this case.. my blog.. i've started this blog in October 2003, but I've left it for some time before I brought it back up later in 2004.. It was named; Poems instead of Life.. and it was never published for anyone I know to actually read it.. So, there weren't any decorations, music, and all the stuff in the sidebar.. I renamed it to Life because I kinda ran out of poems to place it there all the time.. My poems reli suck most of the time, but I think its still there in the archieved area..

In any case.. I think I'll start a mix of both happenings in my life as well a bit of some poetry pretty much as a hobby.. Well.. if ur laughing.. I dun reli care.. its my blog anyway..

Sports day was today.. for the first time in over a decade i think, blue house won the marchpast championship! Congrats to all!! especially Kiwi & Kok.K!! I seriously dun get it.. blue house won a lot of stuff last minute.. and it ended up in short of 3 points to beat yellow house.. sheesh.. *feeling a bit anti-yellow at the moment*.. haha.. well, again, congrats to all fellow marchpast members, kiwi, kk!! Next monday is a hol, and there goes my duty again.. =p Its not a bad thing.. but its not good also..

Besides that.. I'm messed up.. yeah I'm also messed up.. more so at night.. when I always blog.. cuz mayb I'm beginning to realize that I keep myself in the study room 99% of the time when I'm at home.. *my com is in the study room* and all those anime and manga seem to be taking its toll on me.. dammit.. its May already.. when will I start studying seriously..

To be honest, I stay alone at home, I dun feel that way in school because of all the friends and classmates, and ex-classmates who are there.. but whenever I am alone, I always feel a part of me is missing.. Things start running thru my head.. Where am I going?..(usually I can't stay still and will be walking around the school), what am I doing? What will I be doing? Who am I, seriously? .... and thats probably why I'm messed up cuz I cant answer my own questions..

-Lawy3rz

Silent tears of a lonely heart..

Another friday has passed.. damn tiring one too.. Thank god.. I repeat; thank god tmr is the sports day.. No more marchpast.. no more skipping classes.. No more pilling homework.... whew..anyway.. As I've probably mention hundreds of times adi, I'm not feeling very well.. ever since last tues.. I wonder why.. Well, I'm perfectly healthy at the moment.. but its just that I'm not feeling that well.. thats all..

I've been thinking of moving my blog address.. u know.. removing all links to my blog as well as anyone I know reading it.. unless u can find it off the internet.. cuz right now I can't find it myself.. So I dun think it'll be that easy to find it.. why shud I move my blog? actually.. its cuz I have doubts writing everything thats on my mind.. there're just some thing that ppl are not to know.. Yeaa.. after I post this, there'll be someone to lecture me on the definatition of blogs..

Anyway.. if I do move it.. I'll do it tmr night.. and blogger.com will take at least a week before the old address is totally unusable.. if there's anyone even reading these blogs.. post ur name in da tagboard ler.. I wanna see how many actually visit my blog..

thats how life is..

T.i.r.e.d.... w.a.n.n.a. s.l.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.p.. haha.. but still ler.. tired.. thank god tmr is a hol.. can sleep all i like, and reli finish up the damn pilling homework.. and heck my form 4 work I've all forgotten!!! aaaaa!!!!!! Thats it.. I'm doing a full revision of form 4 from tmr onwards.. I dun believe how I've seriously forgotten the basics even the simplest..

I'm still not reli feeling very well.. with constant headaches.. and also the entire body.. =S well.. gotta rest more then... someone told me today, or rather the LRT told me today that I kinda post all the sad things in my blog.. Well, its true.. thats because, I often take the happy times for granted, and also because I don't have anyone to talk to about the not-so-happy things.. Thus, I turned to my blog.. I dun care if nobody or everybody reads all my posts.. It just makes me feel better everytime I get all the stuff of me...

Besides the LRT, an ex-f5 whom I havent talk to in some time also chat wid me yesterday.. He kinda asked.. why don't I move on with my life? I told him..i am.. but deep inside I knew I was lying.. to be fully honest, I want to forget her.. forget I ever met her.. wished that I have never knew her.. despite having great times with u.. if this is going to be how this ends.. I.. I wished I reli have not met u.. Everytime I close my eyes, you appear.. smiling.. I don't want to see that.. thats why I keep awake till later hours these days.. I'm trying to forget it.. I'm moving on!! which part of that don't I get.. I'm seriously just a DamNed form 5 student, doomed at everything..

*sigh* One last thing.. Watever u might hear from dat WeiYang.. I am not the bit interested in junior girls... >=( 'baka'

a sweet love..

Heyzz.. Feeling a bit off colour today.. Lets start with sports.. Well, we did manage to make sure red house didn't get 3rd in tug of war.. being 3rd is nothing much to be proud off, but beating red house is.. =p Came back damn tired and weak.. Then came back got march past.. ahh.. tmr is the rehearsal sports.. Yep I'm coming.. why not? but on thurs I'm not coming to school for practice.. I've got things to do, books to study and homework to complete? Is that a good enuf answer for u? I'm sure it isin't for some.. Well, enuf said about sports today..

Back home.. I've temporarily abandoned FF7 temporarily as I continue with my craze for love hina manga recently.. =p well, i just finished the entire 14-episode manga series in.. 2 days! Yea yeaaa i know i'm probably damn outdated.. hehe.. damn nize manga.. next is da anime.. I asked d' monkey adi.. hope he rmb to bring.. =p

There's something about the manga that struck me is about the sweet.. and mayb a bit of ecchi.. romance.. but thats not the point here!! anyway... it just occurred to me that I've.. never had a sweet love b4.. but whats the point anyway.. not like its anyone's but my fault for that.. U know wat.. I reli dun know who am I anymore.. before, I used to vow to become a silent one.. meaning quiet.. do my work, keep my head down.. Then I went into form 3.. Mixing with such good friends there (i'll consider them my good friends even if they never did), I reli became noisy.. I forgot the vow.. At some points I did go overboard a bit, disturbing ppl too much.. Then I began to realize my mistakes.. The same happened all over in form 4.. but sometimes I like quiet times to myself.. I could as though feel myself, understand myself better.. Yeah I'm sorry that it sounds nutz.. forget it..

The very reason why I vowed was because of this.. this..

-lawy3rz

A totally lazy day not to be afforded..

Ahh.. So damn lazy today.. wake up, makan.. continued FF7.. haii.. lazy lazy lazy onli.. now's adi 2 o clock.. and I have to study anything!! I seriously muz start studying soon.. I just lack willpower to bring myself in front of the boring plain textbook..

That was yesterday.. Actually i kinda stopped there yesterday cuz my mom came back.. if she knew i never reli 'studied' at all yesterday, i'd die tau.. well, I just came back from the stadium.. Stupid LAH their planning... tug of war had to be last, and it started at 12.50 and lasted less than 5 minutes.. why can't they do that in the morning and be off with it? Besides.. damn lah.. we lost to green.. the first round.. almost did it.. dunno wat happened ah.. nvm.. right now, both my hands, and legs hurts.. macam ada blisters on hands..

Anywaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, dead tired now and having tuition in 47 minutes to be exact.. last week ponteng adi, kenot ponteng this week adi, no matter how tired I am..

Tmr is cross-country.. I'm kinda lazy to go wann at first, but when I heard blue is first, I'm determine to go..Besides, I'd reason to myself, its just for a couple of hours in the morning and it makes a good exercise.. Get a good rest today, and prepare for tmr... Waking up on 7 on a sat!! *sob* Well, luckily thurs is a hol, so I feel like thurs took over sat as a holiday.. so I dun reli mind.. same goes with next week..

Uno wat, I'm sure Kiwi is reli mad at me.. cuz I didn't stay back.. Well, seriously, I have tuition! and also I'm so damn tired lah.. but I know he wont accept them lah.. nex week also.. monday morning.. first two periods got practice kan? He's probably going to train us through out breaks, and I'm not about to miss my first librarion duty.. I'm gonna go off for break then go do duty.. He gotta sometimes realize.. We got other things to do other than marchpast, marchpast, marchpast.. We have our lives than to dedicate our entire life to marchpast.. practice there, practice here.. cuz of bad planning, thats why we're rushing.. if there had been proper planning, then I doubt this kinda situation would happen..

Then, bout sylvan.. I'm not to sure wat to type anymore.. to be honest, there IS nothing left to type bout her.. and.. I got this feeling.. that mayb I am starting to accept the facts.. I never learn from my past.. It'd happened before.. I thought i'd learn my ways.. but.. it happened again.. Back to the main thing.. I feel like I am letting her go, bit by bit, out of my life.. I'm definately out of hers, but she was never out of mine.. How long am I going to stand like this? ....

Lawy3rz

A hearts leap..

Saw, (and actually talked for a few secs) to Sylvan today.. Though about absolutely nothing and for a couple of miliseconds, well, lets just say its a change from the silent atmosphere for months.. Well, enuf bout her in the first paragraph.. Lets see.. assembly moved from the first period today to the second last, there's no add maths, and the only hw is maths and english paper.. To top it off, my first librarian duty was cancelled cuz the library was closed.. ;) definately one of the better days..

Well, I certainly feel absolutely terrible today.. headache.. eyes feel burning.. slight fever.. geram betul.. think I'm gonna take a panadol after this post.. I'm being disturbed alot lah.. find it hard to type this post with all the msn messenger nudges..*geram*

Not much to post today, theres march past tmr.. gonna challenge Kh in table tennis again.. dunno la, these days, I'm just losing concentration and my skills, instead of improving are actually dropping.. Dun ask me why.. I have no idea..

Anyway, I think I'm gonna rest early tonite, and I'm gonna end this post short today..

-Lawy3rz-

A few days' glance

Yala Yala.. Blame me for not updating my blog for a few days now.. Its another weekend, except that tmr muz wake up early... *sob* for the report card day, which I'm not gonna wear the stupid school uniform.. Wear 5 days a week not enuf.. Anyway, I wanna see if Chew wud say anything to my dad.. since he disturb me so often about the socks.. getting fed up with that.. the next time Lim comes raising her voice over my sock, I'm won't give a damn and I'm gonna shout back," Watever socks I wear is bloody none of ur concern, of chew's concern and definately not the schools concern. SO LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE" Well, if she goes on after that.. then comes.. "FCUK OFF!" =p
this is how fed up I am.. *sorry for the foul language though*

Besides that, my streamyx's been acting like a bitch lately =p (sounds familiar??) haha.. Supposed to be a broadband but end up downloading stuff at 0.5 Kb per second!! WA!!! then, came the time left to download? 99 days, 99 hours, 99 minutes, 99 seconds.. basically over the timer provided.. it looks like this.. 99:99:99:99... :'( And my entire computer felt so crappy when my streamyx is not stable.. I thought it was my com, until I read the news bout streamyx having probs.. waa.. spend the entire evening trying out internet accelerators.. me and my itchy fingers.. after dunno wat I do lar, it was fine, at full speed.. then dunno wat else I do lar.. become teruk again.. *sob*

Enuf about streamyx..I actually stayed back for marchpast today (eventhough it was for 45 minutes).. We did our 2nd formation and if we're ever going to win, the second formation is gonna need lots of practice.. right now.. its a messy ritual..

As usual, every post there wud be about Sylvan.. Yes Jonni, if ur reading, u'd go, God, ur still thinking of her? Yeah.. I am.. How can I not.. Everywhere I go, everything I do, I see her there, with me.. I would go thinking wat she wud say if she was here.. wat she wud do.. her smile.. her laughter..Its like.. I feel so different without her ler.. Yeah Yeah, there won't ever be a 'us', so be it.. There's nothing else I can do about that anymore..

But its definately not a harm to just think bout her, right? I'm being honest, nothing have ever caused an impact in my life so much before.. nothing.. Meeting her was probably the best thing that ever happen in my life, yet the other half of me wished I had never met her.. Then none of this would have happen.. *sigh* there's no use wishing for something that will not come true.. but I just can hope, hope that we are still friends, and pray that you won't start ignoring me.. Plz.. I seriously cannot bear another past experience once again.. History should never repeat itself, no matter what..

Sylvan..

-Lawy3rz-

Advertorial: Charity Dinner 2005!

This is quite an advertorial for Mr.Heng, and its better than posting on the small tagboard ler.. Well, Eugene wants u all to go for this charity dinner he and his committee members have organized. Details should be as below, but if I'm wrong plz say so..

Date: 9th April, Saturday
Venue: Holiday Villa Subang
Time: 7.30
Dress code: Semi-formal
Price per ticket: Rm120
Wat charity organization?: I forgot the names.. ask eugene heng..

Thats it, i think.. Take care gene ;)

Couldn't believe myself..

I just can't believe myself.. uno wat? I just spend a hundred and fifty bucks upgrading my table tennis bat.. A table tennis bat!! Not like I'm some pro or anything.. But, nevertheless, it wud be a lie to say I didn't want it.. just that.. 150 bucks!! I was looking at the choices of rubber they had to change my bat's rubber.. there was one 200 bucks.. and it was just one side!! waaalauu... pocket got hole liao.. Neway, it wont be ready till tmr.. so no point think bout it so fast..

Anyway, kinda sleepy today.. dun know why.. not like i slept late or anythin last nite... just fell asleep between sejarah and lunch time, after alamak has stopped teaching ler.. then this alfred and weiyang... come kacau pulak.. make me wake up.. <_< *kacau betul*

Anyway, I better get started on my addmaths hw.. BM tuition work as well.. and also kimia latihan.. may add on to this post later tonite...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Its nite now.. and I'm adding on.. oh yeah.. I've just made a short advert for eugene heng.. its above this post..

I have a big problem.. I'm not exactly sure what it really is.. and thats why I'm not gonna post wat here... at least until I figure the damn thing out.. seriously.. feelings..stupid complicated feelings.. all the time.. Dun go jumping to the conclusion I have feelings 4 someone else.. I don't..

Lawy3rz

What the heck..

Yes I know.. My blog hasn't reli been updating very often lately.. especially since after the March 4 post.. I just felt you all wud go thinking how much I B-S and crap all the time, not to mention over my blog.. But then I've decided, wat the heck, its my blog, and I'm gonna post wat I feel like typing, and let my hands go free without being held back by my own consciousness..

Whatever ur gonna read here, is the result of my free hand typing.. I can close my eyes and just type and type.. I realize that I cannot think of anyone to turn to when I wanna lend an ear.. Just to prove, that I don't reli have reli gud frenz.. or true ones either.. I suppose I have friends who I reli trust and consider them the best companions I can ever have throughout my schooling life, namely a lot of ppl in my class but nonetheless, I cannot turn to them in time of my personal need.. Thus, I turn to my blog, which I admit I've been neglecting a little bit since March 4th..

I'm not sure how this post will go on, but I'm determine to let my thoughts flow.. Sylvan.. Every single post, there will be her.. So to say, that my life is never really complete without her, even if it may just be a thought of her smile.. Sad to say I'm sure I won't ever see that coming from her towards me again.. To be truly honest, I do miss that in her, well, when we still frenz, classmates, bro and sis.. I refuse to look back at old pictures, from Japan and the Prom nite, from 3 alpha and schooling days.. It just fills my heart with despair, that such times had passed, that I miss those days so much.. ... anyway..

In conclusion, though my life is still moving, and on its way, with great friends and classmates, with laughter, sadness, anger, and tears, I still feel for u, no matter how much I swear I won't, or made a vow to end this.. I'm really feeling much more relieved now than before I typed out this post, cuz I've just put everything thats bothered me..right here..and I will continue to do so, till time cease to exist..

-Lawy3rz
A lonely hearts walks a long path to nowhere..

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A lonely heart, seeking refuge in nowhere..

Another week has passed.. with ridiculous amounts of hw on thursday, I doubt tmr will be a free day.. Anyway, I borrowed SiMs 2 from Tong Tong Tong Chiang just to try out how it is.. Its not that bad ler, but after sometime I suppose u get bored of it kua.. Well I'm still tryin it out and I'm not quite sure wats the ultimate goal but to live day after day.. =p those sims get so fast hungry la, tired la... susah sometimes..=p

I'm not quite sure what to blog anymore these days.. Life just seem so plain and dull sometimes.. without her.. We do nothing more than a glance once in a blue moon and that alone is enuf to strike a smile on my face.. Its just that, I've seriously been having reli bad dreams.. and I dun wanna describe it here larh... All I know is that.. somwhere, somehow, for some reason.. I reli long for u.. i can close my eyes can picture u right there smiling.. that smile will last forever..