Why...

There are thousands of questions we all have.. and mine all starts with why.. Love Love and Love.. the foundamentals of human lifes..

I'll be honest, and this post will be short. Add maths tmr, cant afford to take too much time off.. I have not loved any other girl truly other than her, and now that it's over.. I find myself in a fix.. What I want.. is to love again, whether a not I will be loved back doesn't matter.. What matters more is that I want to love someone with truly my heart but I dun find that very easy..

Signing off,
Lawy3rz

the ramblings of a troubled heart..

One after another the exams just keep piling up and the deep shit I seem to be in seems to get deeper.. The exams so far are not bad, but they are NOT good as well... Oh well, I'm screwed.. and I was thinking of writing a short novel by my own for fun summore.. wat kinda novel? dun ask yet, cuz I don't know..

A troubled heart..? haha.. i'm not too sure why that's my title today, I just put whatever I feel at the time I'm blogging.. Have you ever got the feeling..when you look at other's life and wonder why the hell is your own so damn terrible? Well, I do sometimes, but I don't quite complain about it.. I do what I can do to make it better and those that I cannot do, I can do nothing but leave it alone, and pray it does not haunt me..

Endless ramblings.. that what my blogging seem to be these days.. but heck, I don't care.. its my blog..I'll crap as much as I want.. =p

Pictures are damn nostalgic.. I just went through the Japan pictures and I felt so sad.. although I should be happy that I got the chance to go.. It was seriously the best time of my life, though I wished I spent more time with other people.. who cares? I'm not the guy who regrets his actions.. Whats done is done.. =) But seriously, going through the photos, I felt damn sad.. I could cry..

yeah, if Sylvan was here, she'd say a thing or two about my emotional level.. Well, I can't deny that my emotional level are crap.. its like non-existant.. I am who I am, and my feelings are mine to show.. I wished I realize all these a long time ago.. somehow all these seems to bring back memories of my e-X~..

I think she'll kill me if she knew I blogged about her.. well thats the reason I dont... I don't talk bad bout her too.. I think we both made our mistakes enuf, and dun think it should be repeated again.. A love started unsincere will always be unsincere..

A troubled heart seeks refuge..

-Lawy3rz

I understand now.. a silent smile..

Disclaimer notice-
Warning: this post contains nothing more than crap. Please leave if you cannot stand crap.

I understand now.. I understand everything.. Not add maths work, but rather the feelings I've been having recently.. Despite exams, I just finished the 13-series long Boys Be for the 2nd time.. I don't know what had hit me again, hell I just keep going through drastic changes of emotions.. A minute I'm feeling one thing, another, I feel weird..

Anyway, I have to stop lying to myself.. Everything I've done till now.. I denied what I knew was true.. Before you read any further, I wanna clear that this is not some new love nonsense.. Its just me, and my feelings.. Been feeling like this since March.. and recently it got out of hand and actually bothered me..

I need to take some time, to really understand and see everything.. Feelings.. I usually like to take the time before I sleep to think bout all these stuff.. and usually end up sleeping hours later than I was supposed to.. I don't have anyone to confide in.. well, I am someone who doesn't like to bother other people about my problems.. Its not thiers, not their feelings.. All mine, and my problems.. I keep it alone, and end up fighting it alone..

I don't blame anyone, thats how I choose myself to be.. Life itself is meant to be lived the way you choose it.. Probably many of you who know me now don't know how I was before I am now.. Laugh, maybe, but I was quiet.. I chose to be alone.. I was stronger then, relying on no-one, and didn't mix with others.. Feelings like this never bothered me.. Mayb I've just gotten plain weak..

Self-pity? ha.. Those of you who think this post is for self-pity, I dun know you know me at all.. I don't do anythin for self-pity.. I loath it.. Mayb I cant stand tall on my own anymore at the moment, mayb I've gotten weak, mayb that mayb this, but never, never for anyone to take pity on me.. thats utter nonsense..

Right now, I'm still not crystal clear on everything.. I'll post.. another day about this.. gotta sleep today..

-Lawy3rz

I seek not to be loved but to love.. again..

I seem to be blogging even more frequently in the middle of the exams.. sheesh.. wats with me.. Anyway, there's nothing much to post today cuz I just posted a long one yesterday..
Still hate my bro, he acts so polite sometimes but suddenly when I turn round, he's back to his rude ways.. wats with him ler.. I don't know how to treat him also..

This post wouldn't be about him.. its kinda more dedicated to love.. Aih, as the title goes, I seek not to be loved but to love again.. this is largely cuz I haven't thought really about this.. It's been over two months since March 4th.. I kept myself from this topic.. Till now, it hurt everytime I even thought of it.. but I think a change has come about..

The feeling of being in love is a great one.. Its like a mixture of thousands of emotions together.. beyond words, definately.. I don't have that feeling for months, and now I seek it back.. mayb not with Sylvan, but I just want that feeling.. I'm just so happen to be in the mood for crapping.. so duN take this post seriously..

Lawy3rz..

Much uncertainty

exam's tmr.. hell its a damn long week... sheesh.. i thought tonite I would be able to sleep a nice long comfy sleep and wake up late tmr, but it ends up, tmr got school and gotta wake up at 7.. what the heck lah.. well, i keep reminding myself, if everything were to happen the same thing over and over again, there is no tomorrow, next week or a future since everything is in a repetitive cycle.. ah wat am I blabbing about..

Haiz, streamyx bill currently at 74 bucks.. I gotta stop using before it gets to the hundred.. Yeaa! I got the thumbs to upgrade my account to 66 unlimited package.. cuz my dad agreeded unconditionally just now.. surprisingly.. hehe.. Well, I guess thats the end of my torrent download for the time being..

Exam Exam Exam.. Tmr's english.. I sure hope I won't mess up.. I've done worksheets, and read over the Pearl over and over again.. I better NOT mess up under pressure.. shit man.. this is not good.. Besides, the fact that I'm bloggin could be a good sign actually.. haha..

Well, regarding the title of this post today, if you're wondering, its actually cuz I feel that way.. How I feel at the moment is usually shown from my MSN nick or blog titles.. pretty obvious.. Today's one is bout everything in life I suppose... I'm uncertain about everything.. My education, my future, my friends, my love life (stop laughing..), myself.. As anyone would probably predict, my love life is always the main reason.. It causes me to doubt myself, and the things that revolve around me..

I realize, attraction is never love, words are never feelings.. Just as much I could be attracted to someone, it isin't love.. what really matters to me is the person behind the facade shown.. I am who I am, I won't hide the fact, I won't regret the fact, and I won't be ashamed of the fact. Fat, dumb n' ugly as I might be, I acknowledge them.. and I'm who I am.. I just can't stand ppl who swallow themself in self pity and regret..

Well enuf of lecturing for the moment..

A heart's whisper is valueless,
beyond all words and gifts,
feel your heart and soul,
listen to their whisper,
a whisper of feelings and heartsfelt.

A heart's whisper is beyond reason,
it can lit a smile in the darkest days,
it can bring joy and hope to the abandoned dreams,
let it live, and be heeded,
a whisper, of lasting peace.

A heart's whisper is unique,
it is something only a person can bring,
such feelings that only one can be blessed with,
through time and space,
Listen and listen closely to yourself,
your soul, your heart,
listen to yourself.

-Lawy3rz
P.S- In all times, hope will always be there.. as long you listen to your heart..

A warning given..

Damn it lar, I relli kenot stand my brother anymore.. He and his cocky attitude.. He acts as though he knows everything, as though everyone must listen to him.. He's fussy about everything.. and is just plain rude.. But, oh, he's damn smart.. He acts innocent and polite in front of my parents, but behind them, he is just plain rude! I hope he and his big mouth will get into trouble one day and then he will learn when to shut his rude mouth of his..

Anyway, I'm also a bit grumpy at the moment cuz a draft of this post I saved earlier suddenly went missing.. I wrote like.. 5 paragraphs of blog and all of them just disappeared! geram.. sheesh..
besides, now that I just lost everythin I wanted to say, i'll cut this post short.. takda mood wanna blog so much adi..

The Red Wings.. My Red Wings..

The red wings,
the strength of my heart,
spread out with all my feelings,
in the name of love,
through my tears, smile and heart,
The red wings shall rise.

The red wings,
forever within me, forever beside me,
whenever I need to let my wings out,
in times of need, in times of love,
let my heart's deepest feelings be shown,
through my silent smile of tears.

The red wings,
the pain felt through my wings,
the wings that made me fly,
to hold the skies and heavens,
the wings that brought hope to me,
in the darkest of times.

The red wings,
a symbol of my soul,
now I call upon them,
bring them back to me once again,
The great wings, the red wings,
My red wings..

hehe.. I know this poem probably suck.. as I've made it in 15 minutes anyway.. nothin much to post at the moment.. later I add ahh...

A couple of hours later, I still stare at this screen without much to write.. lets see.. this sunday is mothers day, and instead of enjoying it, my mom is gonna be working.. other than that.. I havemt studied much.. thanks to all the animes i've been watching.. sheesh.. think i'll definately do work tmr.. gonna die for exam in this rate..

The blue house marchpast had their pizza lunch today.. So sad I reli couldn't go.. my mom said she'll come at 1.30 but ended up coming at 2.. well its okay ler.. she's a busy person anyway..
Haiz.. outta words..

-Lawy3rz

I am..

Its been some time I havent posted, I know.. Anyway, watcha bout to read is a poem made by me based on a model from Shanta.. Yeah, its gonna suck, but its also gonna be my oral exam..

I am
I am a wandering person with much uncertainty,
I wonder what future holds for me,
I hear the sound of breezing leaves and nothing more,
I see the calm and serene sea in front of me,
I want to bring about a change to the world, for the better,
I am a wandering person with much uncertainty.

I pretend to be an angel from the heavens,
I feel the responsibilty of the world on me,
I touch the hearts of many, the sick, the poor, and everyone else,
I worry about the fools in some humans, blinded by greed,
I cry when they bring about the destruction of all that is treasured,
I am a wandering person with much uncertainty.

I understand the feelings felt when we are in love,
I say that being loved is not as important as loving someone,
I dream about the girl I once held dear,
I try to convince myself of my feelings,
I hope for the rest of the world to be at peace with these feelings,
I am a wandering guy with much uncertainty.

Ah... its not like me to make a poem basesd on someone's elses base.. but I had no choice.. its either this or reading a boring article from a mag to shanta.. she'd probably fall asleep.. well, what do you think?? post ur comments in da tagboard.. =p

Aiih... I was supposed to be studyin yesterday, and I ended up reading and finishing Dan Brown's Digital Fortress.. Nize.. and I was supposed to be studying today, but ended up going for tuition and coming back to watch anime.. =p haha.. i got Norlida's physics notes today, and heck it's so much better than the ever-messy Wong.. aiiihh... guess I'll touch on those tonite..

Anyway, here I am blogging, knowing very well my parents will be back any minute.. They are now working like mad juz so I don't have to help out.. The company is under-staffed right now because some unresponsible malay staff just ran away after receiving salary!! hmmph!! Be sure you don't turn into someone like them..

Loveee? Haven't posted bout her dah, for some time.. Guess I'm reli letting go.. Anyway, she started smsing again.. and after months since our last conversation.. its a little short of topics to start on.. Sylvan, I mean.. I've decided.. the girl I wanna be with..if thats even possible.. let that girl be fun, trusting and understanding.. the most important, love me for who I am.. ;) Oh well, its almost impossible.. so, I'm gonna dream bout that girl all I want.. =)

Oh well.. I can do two things now, (since i've finished watching all the latest anime episodes i've downloaded yesterday, downloading more now..) which is sleep or study..I guess I'd end my post here and study bit bit.. haha..