Have I just finally made up my mind? Have I now? Perhaps I have.

I'm sitting alone in my Melbourne house sipping tea at 6.40 in the morning. I can start to see the skies starting to lighten up into a shade of dark, dark blue. The living hall is empty, and so is my other room in this house which I have come to claim as mine. As I step down the stairs, I am greeted with a familiar sight, things left how I left it at, furnitures arranged how I like them to be. I glance to my left, and right, and it is such a nice place indeed. I figure this is finally my house, this is how i like things at my house.


I take a few steps out the door, and feel the cold, chilly melbourne winter breeze on my face and feet. Not for long, I thought, as spring is coming, and the rain is already here. The trees, void of leaves, and a beauty in its own way, waves with the chilly, chilly wind. A tram passes by, leaving behind its signature noise as it passes. I smell the air, and I smell life itself.


I take my step back inside. I glance up towards my living hall again. Pin drop silence. Not even the sound of leaves falling to accompany the dreaded silence. I briskly walked towards my tv, turning it on. Channels didn't matter, all I wanted was the sound. The sound of people talking, the feeling of being around people.


I went back up into my room, leaving the tv turned on, louder than I would have left it if I stayed in the living hall. I logged on to facebook on my computer, seeing my peers studying, and working. Something I have failed to do so far. I feel disheartened, discourage, but above all, I feel regret. I have made mistakes in my path here. Many, many, mistakes. I have seen myself making more mistakes during the last 3 years of my life than in my previous 18. And now I'm scared. Scared to make any more decisions - scared of making the wrong decisions.


Decisions that will ultimately prove to be costly, emotionally, timely, and above all, financially. I have yet to even begin a single step forward, yet I feel I have taken a million steps backwards. But I try not be scared. I try to put up a tough face, sounding as if I am confident in the decisions I make. I try to apply what I believe in. I believe if I've made a mistake I should stop it, and then try to fix it. Not to let it go on and on and hope it will turn around by itself.


MSN came up by itself. I had, or so I thought, confided in my close friend that I don't feel like staying in Melbourne anymore. That was pretty much it. None of the usual whining and beating around the bush crap that most people have had to deal with me. His answer was swift, short, and really what ultimately lead me to this post you're reading right now.


"Then why are you here?"


He's right - and I know it. My mind automatically jumps to defend a decision my heart doesn't support. Even when I think about it - so much have changed since I first came to Melbourne just 2 and a half years ago. So much so, it feels last it was my last lifetime.


So, how about that decisions, you ask? 


Logging off,
Lawy3rz